Roll up! Roll up and enjoy the show

I need to get rich quick so I can move here… and call myself ‘Princess Claire of Monaco’. It has a nice ring to it right? Although I’d settle for being Princess Claire of anywhere along the Cotes D’azur, I dont have to be squeezed into the 2 square kilometers along with 36,000 others; with their glamour, their yachts and their Bentlys.

If the locals in Monaco didn’t already find life a little ‘snug’, among their fabulous high rise apartment blocks crammed side by side, and their local Louis Vuitton – 50,000 workers arrive daily from France and Italy to help maintain the inhabitants lifestyle of polished marble, sparkling yatchs and perfectly timed Rolex watches.

I reckon I’d fit right in! Without question I’d be accepted with my €10 sunglasses I bought off a smiling African on Cannes sea front, just steps from the Martinez hotel, so close I could smell the caviar and bubbly… My outfit finished off by a top from our own Irish select boutique Penny’s, all bouncing along the pavements of the French Riviera in style on a wheelchair, whacking a few jewel encrusted shins along the way, it’s all about the charm…

On the Cotes D’azur I have found my ‘lottery win destination’. I’ll be moving soon! Give me a few weeks, it WILL happen… you’re all welcome, just bring some wine and oh – a few baguettes wouldn’t go astray.

Thanks, you’re great.

Just in case I don’t win the lottery… I’ve come up with a plan. So don’t fret, the invite still stands. Any of you MSers who rely on wheels or smooth surfaces and the lack of steps – worry not and get packing as Monaco is extremely easy to negotiate!

Smooth pavements, ramps and street-side public lifts that whisk you up to roads and richness above, mean that Monaco is very wheelchair accessible, with the exception of a steep hill back to the car park – anyway, I digress, more on that later…

Yes… back to my plan. Now the concept is in the early stages, bare with me, feel free to send any comments and suggestions, I’ll happily cherry-pick the best ideas and pass them off as my own. See? I’m getting the hang of this rich and famous lifestyle already!

I’m developing a game show based in a Monaco car park. Sshhh, don’t be so fast to dismiss the idea, hear me out. Firstly – it’ll be all about the pitch, which if I get right, will hopefully manage to extract much needed funds from my new found neighbours; an excellent choice as they have the highest proportion of millionaires AND billionaires per capita in the world after all. This cheeky chancer of an Irish girl plans to tap into their tax free resources.

The game show will be set in one of the most confusing, baffling and crazily laid out underground multi-story car parks you’ve ever seen. You’ll meet this challenging spot on the way in to Monaco from the Nice side; with its blinking signs cheerfully displaying the holy grail of free spaces as ‘libre’, the unsuspecting contestants will pull a sudden sharp turn to the right, surrounded by buzzing moped drivers and a few expensive sounding beeps. They are fooled into feeling happy, satisfied and even a little smug in their decision to drive on in and enter the game.

I’m thinking ‘The Cube’ versus ‘Grand Theft Auto’ (GTA) format, minus the hookers and probably less shooting, although that’s up for debate, again… any suggestions welcome, I don’t plan on doing ALL the work, as I’ll be too busy researching my new villa.

What does everyone think of Ant and Dec as presenters? If they become too annoying, the game could be livened up a little by introducing the shooting facility from GTA.

Upon arriving on the set of this game show, to the sound of screeching tyres on the glossy painted floor surface, you quickly loose your barings and become distracted by the hum of four litre engines and lulled deeper and deeper into a daze by Ferrari fumes.

Down and down you spiral, added bonus points if you find a free disabled parking space!

Now here comes the tricky part of the game. Once you eventually find the elusive free space (level D26, Space No. 659326895J) building 1 – yes, more bonus points added if you realise there are TWO seperate buildings in the complex on time before you leave, you must find your way out!!! Our personal best was 32 minutes. Bonus points revoked for every person you need to stop for help, double the loss if you need to use pigeon French.

Then the contestants can be set free to enjoy the marvels of Monaco, a level of the game at the Monte Carlo Casino can be incorporated here (we gambled the princely sum of €15 and won a staggering €1.40) alas no bonus points here, other than jaw dropping awe at the wealth and glory within the magnificent building.

A James Bond theme would be appropriate in this level, as 007 has been filmed with his shaken Martinis in this glittering casino three times. Although I struggle to remember seeing him playing any Predator and Star Wars themed One-Armed-Bandit machines on his way to the roulette tables in his tuxedo.

The final and most difficult level of the game will see the contestants frustrated efforts to find their way back through the streets of Monaco to the car park in an allotted time, more points added for finding hidden doors leading to passageways between the buildings, deducted again if you need to seek help.

The game will end with contestants having to leave the car park via a ramp at approximately a 60 degree angle. They will be expected to manage the ticket machine and handbrake combo flawlessly to gain some last minute valuable gold stars, all under the watchful glare of a gleaming Rolls Royce driver revving his engine impatiently four inches behind their rented Renault, no pressure…

I think I’m on to a winning format! Join in while you still can, please enter comments and suggestions below.

In my own game show of life, despite the various obstacles thrown at me, I feel I have already won a lottery. I have already scored two massive jewels in my own personal level. I have already won tremendous gold stars in my two wonderful friends, who have so kindly brought me on this amazing trip for my 40th birthday.

Even without this anticipated future success of the game show (of which I have no doubt), I have already been so lucky and I’m so unbelievably grateful for these two stars in my show. I won the jackpot that drunken student night of ’92 in the nightclub of Cork’s Grand Parade Hotel – the night our friendship began forming. We have had so many wonderful adventures together, here’s to many more in the next 40 years…

I look forward to your game show suggestions, remember it’s a collaborative effort and don’t forget to bring the baguettes!

Yours sincerely,
Princess Claire of… Monaco*

* Patent pending.